Love Remedy with Donna Barnes
Love Coach & Matchmaker
MRS V 00:00:00 We are AGERICH because we create remedies for life made my life. I’m Scarlet Vespa, a.k.a MRS.V and founder of agerich.co your go-to place for AGERICH remedies to help you find love, get rich, awaken your intuition and feel free. Now let’s open the remedy kit and discover why we’re all AGERICH.
MRS V 00:00:21 So what is the all-important love remedy? Well, I will be shortly speaking with Donna Barnes, the love coach, and matchmaker, to find her remedy because she has been doing it for over 30 years. So I can’t wait to hear what she has to say. And for me, I think three kinds of points make up my remedy which is; the first one is that if you’re looking for love, fall in love with you; if you don’t love yourself, then no one else is going to. And I know that’s what happened when I met my soulmate and was just in love with him.
MRS V 00:00:55 I felt so happy and content with who I was. And I had decided that I would prefer to be alone than be with the wrong person, which attracted the right person to me. So that’s my number one. Number two is if you can’t find the right person, what part of yourself are you resisting and afraid to see? That’s because our relationships are our most outstanding teachers. What is triggered by our relationship with our partner is generally what is something about ourselves? Don’t we like it? So we have to learn. So it’s like, what are you resisting? What are you afraid to look at? If you can’t find the right person? And I think that’s a great question to ask and see what the universe brings. And number three is repeating the same problems with each partner. What are you not learning?
MRS V 00:01:49 Because relationships are a learning place for our soul to take place in this world. And if you are constantly attracting the wrong person or someone who gives you grief or whatever reason you have around feeling, it’s never right. What are you not learning about yourself? What are you not learning about your past? Your relationship perhaps with your parents usually stems from there. And I think that’s always a great question to ask yourself and see what comes up, and you don’t have the answer straight away. Just tune in before you sleep, ask the question, and see what you wake up with. Just ask it, and putting it out there opens up a channel for you to find the answer. So with that further ado, we’ll speak with gorgeous Donna barns, all about her love remedy and see what she has to say. Hello and welcome to AGERICH remedies for life. And so excited today because we have gorgeous Donna Barnes, the loved coach and matchmaker. Welcome.
DONNA 00:02:49 Thank you. It’s so great to see you and be here.
MRS V 00:02:52 Look, I am desperate to find out what is the love remedy? You are the love coach, you know, all about it. We want to know that for people looking for love or having problems in love, what would you say?
DONNA 00:03:09 Well, looking for love is sometimes the problem because when you chase something, it runs, I always say, and you can put too much, must have on something and push it away. So I think that’s the first place to start. And, it’s beneficial to know what you don’t want in a relationship in addition to what you want in a relationship. And that’s most important. And then, I, as a matchmaker, ask my clients to tell me what are your top three wishlists wish things that they like to have in a partner and what are your top three deal breakers? What are three things that you absolutely cannot have? And I think that’s enough to start with because people get so carried away and say, am I too picky? Or I’m picky. And sometimes, you can pick yourself out of a wonderful person because first impressions are frequently wrong.
DONNA 00:04:03 I really, as a matchmaker now, after being the love coach for 15 years, it’s fascinating because I’ve always said commonality is what makes relationships last. So if you know that you have commonality with somebody before, you know, if you have chemistry and chemistry, then you have a much better chance of making it last. So that’s what I love about, you know, I’ve always loved that about online, but online you have to do it, right. You have to be honest, and you have to know yourself, and you have to put it out there in the right way. And not everybody does that. And not everybody is who they say they are, which, you know, is part of the problem. But, going back to the matchmaking idea. I talk to people via zoom, and I look at them; on paper, they are perfect for each other.
DONNA 00:04:50 And it makes me crazy sometimes when they go out, and they say, I had a great time, great person not attracted to them. I don’t want to see them again, but it’s like, attraction can take some time to grow. And everybody wants that blink, that instant chemistry, that instant connection with somebody which, like, we all want that. Wouldn’t that be fabulous? But honestly, that’s so rare, exceptionally rare. And if that’s what you’ve always waited for then, and your relationships haven’t worked out, then that’s the devil that, you know, right. It’s, it’s the definition of insanity to keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result. Suppose you are wildly attracted to somebody. And suppose you start looking at the specific personality traits, then if you can recognize it’s the same kind of person that you’ve always picked, and it’s never worked, you. In that case, you need to try to resist that and pick something different and, and different, feel different, right?
DONNA 00:05:49 Like with matchmaking. I try to tell people, say yes, anyway, if you go out and you’re like, you know what, the great person I had a great time. Still, if you’re not attracted to the person, give yourself an opportunity to at least have a second date because people are very frequently different from the first date to a second one because you can be nervous on first dates. And then you’re, you’re thinking about what you said, and you’re thinking about what you said, say next, and you’re all, and what you’re, you’re in your head, and you’re not paying attention to your date, which sends a message to your date that you’re just not interested because you’re not paying attention. So I think that snap blink feeling is so deceptive and rare that that’s your biggest mistake. If that’s what you’re chasing, you can chase that forever and never be happy. But if it’s going ahead.
MRS V 00:06:46 Sorry. It’s so no, it’s so interesting because there’s a random thing, but I was watching the Kardashians because I love watching it. Sometimes I’ll find it fascinating. And um, but one of the things Kim was saying, when she met Pete Davis, a comedian, I don’t like ultimately who you would never think she would be with him. And what she said was on the set, they did a pick, a kiss and something happened in that pick. Now she would never have even looked at him. So something happened at that moment. I think that’s a great example of what you’re talking about is that in the least expected times, you have a lot in common, and then something can happen. So I think that’s, that’s great advice. And how do you get past that? Because that the attraction thing is a big thing. If you don’t feel the chemistry, you’re not attracted to do anything. Are you saying that perhaps give it a few more goes?
DONNA 00:07:40 Well, I think we’ve all met that really beautiful person who isn’t such a nice person as you get to know them. They don’t seem that attractive anymore. Right. And then equally you can meet somebody that you didn’t give a second thought to as you get to know them out of their charisma or their intelligence or sense of humour like you find yourself drawn to them and, and you enjoy being around there, in their company. Right. So that’s what I’m suggesting. I’m not suggesting if there’s somebody you’re just totally not jiving with and not getting along with, but there’s somebody like, I can’t even tell you too, as a coach, how many people have said, I have a great friend. I want a guy like my friend, but I like somebody I’m attracted to. But meanwhile, they describe that the friend is exactly what they’re looking for.
DONNA 00:08:28 If they could be attracted to them and you are what you think you are, your thoughts create your feelings, and you can make yourself attracted to somebody. I mean, not if you’ve entirely like, you know, adverse to them, but if there’s somebody you’re like, great person. I don’t know. I’m just not attracted to them. It’s not usually my type. Also, studies show that if someone likes you, it’s easier to be interested in them. That’s what I was about to say. Does that happen where it’s? I mean, years ago, I know this happened to me. I had gone out to Los Angeles, and I met friends of friends who were wicked funny, and I had a great time with them. He was like my new best friend, but I had a boyfriend, and my friends later said, was your boyfriend upset with such and such?
DONNA 00:09:16 And I said, no. Why? And they were like, well, because of how you guys were carrying on. And I was kind of taking him back, and I said, I’m not attracted to him. I mean, I love him, but like, I don’t want to go out with him. And they both went, and like locks were short. I started hanging out with him a lot more. And he ended up being the love of my life for like four years. Like I and he, he wasn’t a good-looking guy, but wickedly funny and sharp and my best friend. And for the first time in my life, I knew what a saw me. It was. And I thought, wow, I would’ve never thought that. And people used to see pictures of him. And they were like? You know, I don’t want to say his name.
DONNA 00:09:55 I don’t want to add him, but you know what I’m getting at? So like, it does, you know, you’re a perfect idea of what you might be attracted to. It’s great. If you can find it. But you know, over the weekend, my stepsister said to me, because you know her daughter’s single again. And she asked why some people can meet somebody and make it work and have a lifelong relationship. And then other people can’t seem to make that happen. That they, you know, and I said, well, because they pick the wrong people, right? You need to pick somebody that is your best friend. Like I’ve always said, I want my best friend that I can’t keep my hands off of. And I think that’s true for many people, but the best friend part is more challenging than they can’t keep my hands off.
DONNA 00:10:42 But right. You can meet somebody you’re attracted to that you’re just not that into, but you think they’re hot, you know? I mean, and the older you get, the harder that is too, but like, I’m suggesting that if you meet somebody with whom you have a great time, you can laugh and be yourself. And you’re not because you know when you like someone, sometimes you’re not yourself because you’re in your head and trying to figure out what to say, and you’re feeling awkward, because you’re so aware of yourself because you like, right. So then it’s harder for someone to connect with you that way. So, someone you’re not all that excited about can ultimately be yourself, which it takes many months in a relationship to get to. And most relationships only last three to six months.
DONNA 00:11:30 Because once you get to that part, you’re either a fit for each other or you’re not. And more often, you’re not. So I’m just asking you to open your mind. And if you beat somebody that you had a great time with, but you don’t think you’re attracted to them, think again and at least allow yourself to go out with them a second time and tell yourself, I’m going to look for what’s attractive about this person. You know, because in matchmaking, I’ll say I saw something attractive in this person that I thought you might like find that, see what that is, you know? And, what kills me more than anything, they come to matchmaking because they know that what they were doing wasn’t working, and they’re like, I need help. So you put them in front of somebody perfect for them. And they’re like, no, and I’m not attracted to them. And it just makes me crazy.
MRS V 00:12:21 But that’s the whole thing that I find so interesting is all fair. All is fair and love and more. And it is true because you’ll look at someone and go, why are they going out with them? Why are they attracted to that person? Why do they keep perhaps dating the wrong person? Why do they keep drawing that? Now we know they might have had their parents who constantly fought. So they’re attracted to that. So what do you do in your role? You know, to say where you can see someone has an issue around that, I’m like, how do you deal with that apart from going to personal development? I mean, you know, what have you come across or what would you suggest?
DONNA 00:13:00 Well, I think it’s all good to look at our patterns, and there’s a straightforward exercise you can do where you list all the people you’ve had significant relationships with and their personality traits, good and bad. You know, whether they’re funny or controlling, you know, good and bad and do the same thing with your parents, any older siblings, or any mentors you had. And you’ll start to see a pattern of picking the same personality. And it’s usually the parent that you had more conflict with that you had unresolved issues with because subconsciously you’re trying to heal that as a child, you’re trying to recreate that and make it better so that, you know, you can have resolved that relationship, but that doesn’t usually work like Ville Hendricks is a brilliant psychologist who wrote a book called getting the love you want, it’s all a Mago therapy.
DONNA 00:13:50 That is all based on that. And it’s about taking your partner and coming together and learning what your childhood triggers and issues are, and then not reacting to them, which is terrific. If you find somebody who wants to do that, most people don’t want to work that hard. So I think it’s easier to recognize those things and then avoid them like the plague, you know if all these things didn’t work for you before and you meet somebody who’s super attractive, but you can recognize, oh no, that’s the same kind of guy that rips my heart out. And I’m not signing up for that again. Right. So, and or girl, right? Like men do this with women too. So I think putting it with a pen on paper is better than typing on a computer because your brain processes information better.
MRS V 00:14:37 I love that. Yes. Great exercise. Sorry. Keep going.
DONNA 00:14:41 And, write down all the specific characteristics and then circle the common ones and the ones that work. Look for that and make a list of your preferences. And then the ones that don’t work are put on a list of deal-breakers. And those are your deal breakers, and you can’t, you know, fudge on your, you can’t be flexible on your deal-breakers. You can be flexible on your preferences, not requirements. Like if you have a requirement that like if you’re at a certain age and you want to be able to have a child before you’re too late to have a child, that’s a like requirement, you need somebody who also wants to have a child so that you have that opportunity. Right. So, or if you’re sober and you’re so stimulated by somebody who drinks, and it’s a requirement that you need somebody that doesn’t drink, but you know, if you’re a sports fan and you like to go to games once in a while, that’s a preference that should not be a deal-breaker. You could meet somebody who’s a terrific match for you who could care less about sports but might be happy to go to the game and have a hot dog or enjoy being outside. Right. So, you know, I think in being flexible where it’s not an absolute necessity and holding firm on what is an absolute necessity.
MRS V 00:15:58 Now I love that because I think aligned values are probably essential. Cause I know that with my husband like we have similar things in, but you know he’s mad about sport. I’m not. So we, but it doesn’t matter. Because when we sit together, we can do nothing together really well. Like we are just like complete when we are together. So I get that. But I love that. The, so the main one, which is fantastic, is to see those qualities and recognize your best friend in that. And I think that’s a great one even if you are in a marriage or relationship to return to that. So that’s a great one for that. And then also excellent again, to have a look at those qualities or similarities to articulate, if there are any issues of what you’re doing, even if you are in a relationship, you could sit down and go, Hey, you know, I noticed that you do the same thing as my dad and that’s why it triggers me. So I think there are some wonderful tools that are great for people in a relationship. Is there any other thing that, you think’s a blind spot for people apart from those two? Is there a third tip that you would give someone as part of the remedy?
DONNA 00:17:08 I think not ignoring things that people say to you, you know, I always say if someone tells you something about themselves, believe them, it has nothing to do with you. And I think all too often that happens, you know, as a breakup coach, people come to me, and they can all put their finger on something that they’re now told that foreshadowed how they were going to break up they did. Right. So, being aware, I had one guy who came to me devastated because his girlfriend cheated on him. And he said to me, well, she did tell me that she’d never been faithful in any relationship. And I said, well, what I mean, what made you think he she’d be faithful to you? And he said, well, we had such an amazing connection. And I said she had an amazing connection with all of them.
DONNA 00:17:51 And she cheated on them. It’s who she is that has nothing to do with you. And that’s exactly what I mean, you know, it’s like, like you hear something, and it gives you pause, but not enough to really do something about it. And if you love yourself, most is the best advice I can give you. If you always love yourself most and value yourself enough to recognize it, that doesn’t work for me, I’m having a lot of fun with you, and I think you’re great, but we’re not right for each other, and I’m going to end it now before we get too attached, and it’s going to be hard. So, I know that seemed, it’s hard. Like, you know, if you haven’t met somebody you liked in a while, and then you do, and you’re kind of all in on it. That’s the other thing too. Don’t go all in. There are all sorts of red flags about going way fast into a relationship. There’s something to taking it slow, getting to know somebody, and delaying sex. I always say you will never again kiss the same way as you did before you had sex. So
MRS V 00:18:56 Don’t that first kiss is always amazing. Amazing. I love that. They’re just such great four incredible points about finding love. And thank you. I mean, if someone wants to work with you because I can see it, it’d be fantastic to be a coach on all fronts; where would they find you?
DONNA 00:19:17 Thank you, donnabarnes.com is the best place to find me for everything. I do private coaching still and help people with their relationships or help them get over a breakup, or help them know if this one’s a keeper or not. And then also matchmaking, you can sign up at donnabarnes.com.
MRS V 00:19:36 Amazing. Amazing. Thank you. They were incredibly valuable words and a love remedy that ultimately makes sense. Having been through so many difficult, challenging relationships and a second marriage, and now finding my soulmate, everything you said was spot on. So very grateful. Lovely to see you again. And, I’m sure we’ll talk again. We might do the next one on matchmaking remedies, and I can share this. That would be awesome. Okay. Well, thank you, everybody. And we’ll see you next week and bye for now.
Love Coach & Matchmaker
Donna Barnes has frequently contributed her unique perspective on relationships on Good Morning America and Nightline. She spent three seasons with the popular “What Would You Do?” hosted by Emmy winner John Quinones. Donna has also appeared on Fox & Friends, CNN, NBC’s Today, CBS’s Early Show, Fox News, Fuse, VH-1, and more.
With more than 30 years of personal dating & relationship experience, Donna Barnes gives clients a combination of practical hindsight, intelligence, & academic knowledge.